Searching For Answers

In life, we are faced with questions -- questions like whether we should really brush our teeth or not, what color of underwear we should wear, or even whether we want to go to work or not. Those are simple everyday things we ask ourselves. And then there are other questions ---  questions that come out of thin air and just rattle our very core. Now, these questions are bigger than us, bigger than life itself because it is about life itself.

Why are things the way they are?

Why don't things always happen as planned?

Why is my heart broken?

Why do I exist?

Once or twice or maybe everyday even, we are constantly haunted by these questions. Let's face it, we do not have the slightes idea where we will get the answers. We can try to fool ourselves by creating superficial answers to these queries. But we will never figure it out no matter how we much justification we do.

I recently attended one of the services of Victory Christian Fellowship. Having attended one years back, I sorta had an idea what to expect. Surprisingly, it really had an impact on me. The topic of the service is along the questions, "What can make us truly happy?". I have been in doubt for years and I can barely remember the last time I was able to consult with someone and was really given an advice that was real. Real, in a sense that I realized that he may right.

Each of us has a road we have to travel on our own. We will struggle and we may lose sight of the road ahead of us, but we will always go back to the road designed for us. The situations and things we had, we are, and we will be going through are specifically for us.

It was destiny for me to go there and experience God again. I actually ripped my pants during the day and had planned to go home right after work, but something urged me to go and see for myself.

I am on a quest to find answers and a journey with Him to find these answers. It will be a long journey, but I'm excited. As I go through this journey, I will be encountering hurdles I've never encountered but I'm sure it'll be worth it.

We have been looking for answers all our lives and sometimes we find the answers we want but sometimes we don't. We even sometimes forget to consider during our search that maybe, just maybe, we haven't been asking the right questions.

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The Longest Dream

Disclaimer: So cheesy you could smell it.

I believe in Fate. I believe everything happens for a reason. We may not understand it now or we may not understand at all in this lifetime but... I am not really sure if there is really an explanation, but we can believe there is.

I met the person I have been dreaming of several days ago. Everything was perfect. The night cooperated with us. We enjoyed every bit of it, at least I did. To find the person you have been waiting for is bliss, and that's what I felt that night. We talked, we laughed, our guards were down, and I couldn't care less. I wouldn't mind sharing my forevers with this person. I was lost in someone. I was in a situation where time was eternal and I could see myself reflected in those eyes. Those almond shaped eyes that twinkle everytime a smile appears.

That night, I was more than me. I was someone who I never imagined I could be. I was touched and changed. I cry not just because of pain and grief, but because I am human. I am human to have craved for this person.

I dreamt for 6 hours.

And just like any other dream, it ended. I woke up at 1:01  AM but my eyes were open the entire time. I saw everything happen with both the windows of my soul ingesting the scenery and taking everything in. We can never be together.

All I know is, one night changed my life. I may not understand it now because I'm blinded by doubt and drowned in question, but for sure, one day I will look back and realize why things didn't work out as planned. It's excruciating and heartbreaking how I would build burried in rubble for not getting what I wanted the most, but I will pray to Him that someday in the future I will understand this heartache that one night for 6 hours, I was able to see a dream.

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Confessions of a Hopeful

Someone once told me, in order to write well, you have to write what you know. Here's what I know:

The feeling of hope is the same feeling as standing at the edge of a cliff.

The view beneath is exhilarating. However, one wrong move could plummet you to your demise - never seeing that view again. Hoping is like riding a roller coaster. You fasten and prepare yourself for the sharp turns and the scary plunges, but when you are seconds away from turning or falling, your mind betrays the entirety of your preparation and leaves you there, dumbstruck and wanting to slow down. But never wanting to stop.

A break up is never easy.

You have to go through numerous phases and cycles to finally tell yourself that you are ready to see other people again - to give love a chance to bud once more. But it's never easy, perhaps, never will be.

You tell yourself that that's it. You say you've had enough. But deep inside, somewhere inside of you, you know that there's a voice telling you that one of these days you will find someone amazing that won't get enough of, you will hang on to every word they say and every good night will leave a promise of tomorrow lingering in the air. The feeling like you're always on the same page and you can finish each other's sentences. Then you get the impression or assumption, that this person may be the person you have waited all of your life. And that's when you realize that this person is too good to be true that everything seems right that it feels wrong. 

Thoughts of that person being too good for you plague your every thought that even though that person has shown the same level of interest, you cower inside your shell and wish for everything to just end.The butterflies fluttering in your stomach are nothing compared to the immense feeling that you may faint from the whirling emotions inside of you, destroying everything in its path. It may even tore you asunder. 

Yet.

You crave for the feeling of wanting someone to see that so bad and just staring at that person and living in the moment that both of you are breathing the same air. 

I am writing this blog with this kind of apprehension. Tomorrow I will meet this person and from there a new chapter of my life will being. It may or may not work out, but that fact remains to be experienced by me, by us. No matter what the outcome of this risk may be, I will be happy that I am still capable of experiencing this type of emotion. 

I am scared as hell but I want to believe that if it's for me, the universe will conspire for it to happen.