Monday, 8 October 2012

Confessions Of A Bitter Melon

Looking up at the mundane sky
Deliberately pondering why
You left me hanging by a thread
You could've just killed me instead

The pain you inflicted was so immense
Wait, I should use the present tense
Tears fall down from my eyes every time I remember
Those emotions and promises that were torn asunder

I can't wish for your happiness still
I hope you'll feel what I feel
I hope someone breaks your heart
I hope someone tears you apart

They say sweet words always hide a catch
Well, you and the quote are a perfect match
I really thought you were different
I guess I was just another replacement

My days are longer than usual
Because our feelings are not mutual
Oh well, that's just how life is
Although, it's you I really miss

I take back all the words that aren't sappy
In the end, I just really wish for you to be happy
We probably weren't really meant to be
All that's left is to set you free

Thursday, 4 October 2012

The Day I Welcomed Goodbye

Someone once told me, in order for you to write well, you have to write what you know. Here's what I know:

Letting go is hard.




Yes, it is. You don't have to think twice to know how hard letting go is. It just is.

Most would say, if you don't know where to go, just go back to your roots, back to the beginning. Let's go back to the point when hurt was nothing but a distant memory and happiness was what was envisioned.


Attaching oneself to someone isn't bad, it just shows how much you value that person. The magnitude of the attachment determines how important or significant he or she is. In rare cases, we them the centre of our lives. As eccentric as it may sound, for some people, that person becomes the world to them, and to be able to function, they have to be the sun that will initiate the rotation of their world. What if we take away the sun? Would your world still continue to revolve?

Through the years, I've learned that life is a game of Russian roulette. Plan the game, you lose. Play it by the ear, and you just might bring home the big one. Destiny has a way of taking pictures of our surprised faces when something totally expected happens to our plans.

When you finally bid goodbye to someone it really won't hurt much..right away, that is. After some time and the moment it sinks in, you'll feel an implausible emptiness that will make colour black blacker. It's an indescribable feeling of sadness when you remember someone through places, things, or people such as the store you used to go to, the food you both love, just about anything really. But you know, the hardest goodbye is the one that's being done without being said -- the silent goodbye. You know that the person is still within reach, but things aren't the same as they used to be.

I know that letting go is hard. It's harder than any other feeling that I know, because by letting go, everything ends. Everything you invested gone -- money, time, and emotions will all disappear with the utterance of one word.  

Life just won't give you someone no matter how much emotions and time you invested on that person. Everyone, of course, would say that you deserve someone else, someone better, someone who would never ever give up on you despite everything that happened, is happening, or will happen, but deep in your heart you really don't want to let go. Then again, you should also start asking yourself if it's still worth it. Is it still worth the fight?

Once you let go of someone, there will always be a fragment of that person's presence pierced through your heart and every time you remember, you just can't help but let the flood of memories along with the emotions drown you until it becomes hard for you to breathe. You just can't press the rewind button and take back all the things that happened. That's not how life works. Life is cruel. It will kick you when you're already on your feet begging for mercy but it will mold you into something you didn't imagine you could turn into. Life is not like the movies. Happy endings are scarce. Human emotions are uncontrollable and commitments are as hard to come by as snow in a tropical country -- next to impossible. You'll die waiting unless given ample chance to hope. I may sound bitter or devoid of hope of finding love, but I'm actually not, I'm just trying to face the reality that fairy tales seldom happen. It does, but it's not for everyone.

As for me, the day I let go of that someone I love was the hardest thing I've ever done -- harder than being told you failed in class, more painful that being stabbed in the back by a friend. The pain has been unbelievably unbearable that the only that I could cope with the pain is to write this blog about letting go and moving on. The feeling of being lost and not knowing which way is left or right is abysmal. I'm just living everyday out-of-habit, and maybe through these habits I can find myself again because in order for me to forget my feeling for that person, I have to forget my existence completely. I can't say that totally erasing all means of contact with that person will hurt like hell because there's no greater pain than what I'm feeling right now; knowing where that person is, knowing that person isn't affected by my absence, and knowing that the hurt I'm feeling right now isn't worth that person's attention. I did everything, I gave it my all, but why is it so hard for me to let go completely. Our communication is nothing more than a hi or a hello nowadays and we now use the past tense of the verb when describing our feelings, but why am I feeling that regret is just lingering around the corner trying to haunt my every attempt to start anew with someone. I may have been too traumatized with being left hanging on a thread from a 50-story building because that's how high I got from the immense ecstasy I felt, and I was only left to be dropped down without anyone waiting on the ground to catch my falling. Sad but true. Shit happens. If you really love someone, you have to be selfless because love is never selfish. If that person will be in someone else's arms, then you should wish for his or her happiness.


To move forward, you have to start take in everything. This begins by acceptance. You have to accept the fact that things are not what they used to be, you have to accept that it's finally over, and you have to accept the immense stabbing pain you're feeling because only when you start accepting will you be able to start to heal. This process doesn't happen overnight. It consists of constant practice and conscious effort to pull it off. You have to have the right mindset and urge to completely alter the way you think. It won't be a walk in the park once you get started because once you begin, there's no turning back. You can turn back, but every time you do, you'll be back to square one, so once you've really decided on letting someone go, you have to be determined to keep it up until the end. Unless, that person finally realizes how much he or she means to you and exerts effort to be with you.

I can't say it wasn’t worth it because I believe that there's a reason why it didn't work out as planned. Once I come out of this phase, I'm certain that I won't be as fragile as I am now and soon enough, I'll be able to say that I'm finally feeling better and then look back at the things that are happening now and just be thankful that they happened.

Each of us has a way of coping with the sadness brought about by saying goodbye to someone we love. Some eat, some sleep, some go into denial, some just completely erase the memories, and some write blogs. I'm going through all of them right now. Maybe, just maybe, this may work for you, too. We shouldn't focus on the pain of losing someone when we can focus on a new beginning that's just at bay. Continue believing that everything happens for a reason, we may not completely understand it, but in time, I'm sure, everything will make perfect sense. Just like how this random rant did.