Someone once told me, in
order for you to write well, you have to write what you know. Here's what I
know:
Yes, it is. You don't have
to think twice to know how hard letting go is. It just is.
Most would say, if you
don't know where to go, just go back to your roots, back to the beginning.
Let's go back to the point when hurt was nothing but a distant memory and happiness
was what was envisioned.
Attachment.
Attaching oneself to someone isn't bad,
it just shows how much you value that person. The magnitude of the attachment
determines how important or significant he or she is. In rare cases, we them
the centre of our lives. As eccentric as it may sound, for some people, that
person becomes the world to them, and to be able to function, they have to be
the sun that will initiate the rotation of their world. What if we take away
the sun? Would your world still continue to revolve?
Through the years, I've learned
that life is a game of Russian roulette. Plan the game, you lose. Play it by
the ear, and you just might bring home the big one. Destiny has a way of taking pictures of our surprised faces when something totally expected happens to our plans.
When you finally bid goodbye to someone it really
won't hurt much..right away, that is. After some time and the moment it sinks
in, you'll feel an implausible emptiness that will make colour black blacker.
It's an indescribable feeling of sadness when you remember someone through
places, things, or people such as the store you used to go to, the food you
both love, just about anything really. But you know, the hardest goodbye is the
one that's being done without being said -- the silent goodbye. You know that
the person is still within reach, but things aren't the same as they used to
be.
I know that letting go is hard. It's harder
than any other feeling that I know, because by letting go, everything ends.
Everything you invested gone -- money, time, and emotions will all disappear
with the utterance of one word.
Life just won't give you
someone no matter how much emotions and time you invested on that person.
Everyone, of course, would say that you deserve someone else, someone better,
someone who would never ever give up on you despite everything that happened, is
happening, or will happen, but deep in your heart you really don't want to let
go. Then again, you should also start asking yourself if it's still worth it. Is
it still worth the fight?
Once you let go of someone, there will always be a
fragment of that person's presence pierced through your heart
and every time you remember, you just can't help but let the flood of memories
along with the emotions drown you until it becomes hard for you to breathe. You
just can't press the rewind button and take back all the things that happened.
That's not how life works. Life is cruel. It will kick you when you're already
on your feet begging for mercy but it will mold you
into something you didn't imagine you could turn into. Life is not like the
movies. Happy endings are scarce. Human emotions are uncontrollable and
commitments are as hard to come by as snow in a tropical country --
next to impossible.
You'll die waiting unless given ample chance to hope. I may sound bitter or
devoid of hope of finding love, but I'm actually not, I'm just trying to face
the reality that fairy tales seldom happen. It
does, but it's not for everyone.
As for me, the day I let go
of that someone I love was the hardest thing I've ever done -- harder than
being told you failed in class, more painful that being stabbed in the back by
a friend. The pain has been unbelievably unbearable that the only that I could
cope with the pain is to write this blog about letting go and moving on. The
feeling of being lost and not knowing which way is left or right is abysmal.
I'm just living everyday out-of-habit, and maybe through these habits I can
find myself again because in order for me to forget my feeling for that person,
I have to forget my existence completely. I can't say that totally erasing all means of
contact with that person will hurt like hell because there's no greater pain
than what I'm feeling right now; knowing where that person is, knowing that
person isn't affected by my absence, and knowing that the hurt I'm feeling
right now isn't worth that person's attention. I did everything, I gave it my
all, but why is it so hard for me to let go completely. Our communication is
nothing more than a hi or a hello nowadays and we now use the past
tense of the verb when describing our feelings, but why am I feeling that
regret is just lingering around the corner trying to haunt my every attempt to
start anew with someone. I may have been too traumatized with being left
hanging on a thread from a 50-story building because that's how high I got from
the immense ecstasy I felt, and I was only left to be dropped down without
anyone waiting on the ground to catch my falling. Sad but true.
Shit happens. If you really love someone, you have to be selfless because love
is never selfish. If that person will be in someone else's arms, then you
should wish for his or her happiness.
To move forward, you have to start take in
everything. This begins by acceptance. You have to accept the fact that things
are not what they used to be, you have to accept that it's finally over, and
you have to accept the immense stabbing pain you're feeling because only when
you start accepting will you be able to start to heal. This process doesn't
happen overnight. It consists of constant practice and conscious effort to pull
it off. You have to have the right mindset and urge to completely alter the way
you think. It won't be a walk in the park once you get started because once you
begin, there's no turning back. You can turn back, but every time you do,
you'll be back to square one, so once you've really decided on letting someone
go, you have to be determined to keep it up until the end. Unless, that person
finally realizes how much he or she means to you and exerts effort to be with
you.
I can't say it wasn’t worth it
because I believe that there's a
reason why it didn't work out as planned. Once I come out of this phase, I'm
certain
that I won't be as fragile as I am now and soon enough,
I'll be able to say that I'm finally feeling better and then look back at the
things that are happening now and just be thankful that they happened.
Each of us has a way of coping
with the sadness brought about by saying goodbye to someone we
love. Some eat, some sleep, some go into denial, some just completely erase the
memories, and some write blogs. I'm going through all of them right now. Maybe,
just maybe, this may work for you, too. We shouldn't focus on the pain of
losing someone when we can focus on a new beginning that's just at bay.
Continue believing that everything happens for a reason, we may not completely
understand it, but in time, I'm sure, everything will make perfect sense. Just
like how this random rant did.
