Confessions Of A Bitter Melon

Looking up at the mundane sky

Deliberately pondering why

You left me hanging by a thread

You could've just killed me instead

The pain you inflicted was so immense

Wait, I should use the present tense

Tears fall down from my eyes every time I remember

Those emotions and promises that were torn asunder

I can't wish for your happiness still

I hope you'll feel what I feel

I hope someone breaks your heart

I hope someone tears you apart

They say sweet words always hide a catch

Well, you and the quote are a perfect match

I really thought you were different

I guess I was just another replacement

My days are longer than usual

Because our feelings are not mutual

Oh well, that's just how life is

Although, it's you I really miss

I take back all the words that aren't sappy

In the end, I just really wish for you to be happy

We probably weren't really meant to be

All that's left is to set you free

The Day I Welcomed Goodbye

Someone once told me, in order for you to write well, you have to write what you know. Here's what I know:

Letting go is hard.

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Yes, it is. You don't have to think twice to know how hard letting go is. It just is.

Most would say, if you don't know where to go, just go back to your roots, back to the beginning. Let's go back to the point when hurt was nothing but a distant memory and happiness was what was envisioned.

Attachment.

Attaching oneself to someone isn't bad, it just shows how much you value that person. The magnitude of the attachment determines how important or significant he or she is. In rare cases, we them the centre of our lives. As eccentric as it may sound, for some people, that person becomes the world to them, and to be able to function, they have to be the sun that will initiate the rotation of their world. What if we take away the sun? Would your world still continue to revolve?

Through the years, I've learned that life is a game of Russian roulette. Plan the game, you lose. Play it by the ear, and you just might bring home the big one. Destiny has a way of taking pictures of our surprised faces when something totally expected happens to our plans.

When you finally bid goodbye to someone it really won't hurt much..right away, that is. After some time and the moment it sinks in, you'll feel an implausible emptiness that will make colour black blacker. It's an indescribable feeling of sadness when you remember someone through places, things, or people such as the store you used to go to, the food you both love, just about anything really. But you know, the hardest goodbye is the one that's being done without being said -- the silent goodbye. You know that the person is still within reach, but things aren't the same as they used to be.

I know that letting go is hard. It's harder than any other feeling that I know, because by letting go, everything ends. Everything you invested gone -- money, time, and emotions will all disappear with the utterance of one word.  

Life just won't give you someone no matter how much emotions and time you invested on that person. Everyone, of course, would say that you deserve someone else, someone better, someone who would never ever give up on you despite everything that happened, is happening, or will happen, but deep in your heart you really don't want to let go. Then again, you should also start asking yourself if it's still worth it. Is it still worth the fight?

Once you let go of someone, there will always be a fragment of that person's presence pierced through your heart and every time you remember, you just can't help but let the flood of memories along with the emotions drown you until it becomes hard for you to breathe. You just can't press the rewind button and take back all the things that happened. That's not how life works. Life is cruel. It will kick you when you're already on your feet begging for mercy but it will mold you into something you didn't imagine you could turn into. Life is not like the movies. Happy endings are scarce. Human emotions are uncontrollable and commitments are as hard to come by as snow in a tropical country -- next to impossible. You'll die waiting unless given ample chance to hope. I may sound bitter or devoid of hope of finding love, but I'm actually not, I'm just trying to face the reality that fairy tales seldom happen. It does, but it's not for everyone.

As for me, the day I let go of that someone I love was the hardest thing I've ever done -- harder than being told you failed in class, more painful that being stabbed in the back by a friend. The pain has been unbelievably unbearable that the only that I could cope with the pain is to write this blog about letting go and moving on. The feeling of being lost and not knowing which way is left or right is abysmal. I'm just living everyday out-of-habit, and maybe through these habits I can find myself again because in order for me to forget my feeling for that person, I have to forget my existence completely. I can't say that totally erasing all means of contact with that person will hurt like hell because there's no greater pain than what I'm feeling right now; knowing where that person is, knowing that person isn't affected by my absence, and knowing that the hurt I'm feeling right now isn't worth that person's attention. I did everything, I gave it my all, but why is it so hard for me to let go completely. Our communication is nothing more than a hi or a hello nowadays and we now use the past tense of the verb when describing our feelings, but why am I feeling that regret is just lingering around the corner trying to haunt my every attempt to start anew with someone. I may have been too traumatized with being left hanging on a thread from a 50-story building because that's how high I got from the immense ecstasy I felt, and I was only left to be dropped down without anyone waiting on the ground to catch my falling. Sad but true. Shit happens. If you really love someone, you have to be selfless because love is never selfish. If that person will be in someone else's arms, then you should wish for his or her happiness.

Acceptance.

To move forward, you have to start take in everything. This begins by acceptance. You have to accept the fact that things are not what they used to be, you have to accept that it's finally over, and you have to accept the immense stabbing pain you're feeling because only when you start accepting will you be able to start to heal. This process doesn't happen overnight. It consists of constant practice and conscious effort to pull it off. You have to have the right mindset and urge to completely alter the way you think. It won't be a walk in the park once you get started because once you begin, there's no turning back. You can turn back, but every time you do, you'll be back to square one, so once you've really decided on letting someone go, you have to be determined to keep it up until the end. Unless, that person finally realizes how much he or she means to you and exerts effort to be with you.

I can't say it wasn’t worth it because I believe that there's a reason why it didn't work out as planned. Once I come out of this phase, I'm certain that I won't be as fragile as I am now and soon enough, I'll be able to say that I'm finally feeling better and then look back at the things that are happening now and just be thankful that they happened.

Each of us has a way of coping with the sadness brought about by saying goodbye to someone we love. Some eat, some sleep, some go into denial, some just completely erase the memories, and some write blogs. I'm going through all of them right now. Maybe, just maybe, this may work for you, too. We shouldn't focus on the pain of losing someone when we can focus on a new beginning that's just at bay. Continue believing that everything happens for a reason, we may not completely understand it, but in time, I'm sure, everything will make perfect sense. Just like how this random rant did.

Photo from: http://jnkhoury.blogspot.com/2011/11/letting-go-when-to-bid-your-novel.html

Leaving Neverland

Someone once told me, in order for you to write well, you have to write what you know. What do I know?

I know at one point we've all dreamt of going to Neverland. We've dreamt of being picked up by peter pan in the middle of the night, sprinkled some fairy dust on, and in the wee hours, fly in a starry, starry sky towards one direction -- the second star to the left. I can remember daydreaming during class or before going to bed that the pan would come by my window and we'd jump off into that night sky with the moon behind our backs, leaving everything behind. I still imagine that sometimes. Who wouldn't? Who wouldn't want to forget all of their problems and remain a kid forever where all you've to worry about is what to play next, right? And you'll be in Neverland where pirates, mermaids, forest spirits, and creatures beyond our imagination exist. Plus, you won't have to grow up. You don't have to worry about paying bills, falling in love, falling out of love (with the emphasis on out), thinking about how other people think of you, committing to another, healing a broken heart, and, probably the most problematic of all, shaving facial hair. No joking. It's annoying to shave facial hair almost every day just to avoid people having to mistake you as some homeless dude who lives under a bridge or sleeps on sidewalks with his wiener sticking out without a care in the world.  Truth be told, sometimes I envy those people. It’s hard not to think about how people perceive you. You may say you don’t care about what the people’s perceptions about you are, but deep down, you do. You just hate to admit it because that's what grown-ups are like. They hide their feelings in a box, slowly accumulating all of the loathing, the envy, and the whatnots until one day, all of those pent up emotions explode. Well, you know what happens when that happens, right? You get to have ringside tickets to a boxing match. Not bad, eh? 

I'm not here to tell you what sucks about growing old or growing up. After all, I am a grown-up. (Takes a step back, bows, and then moves forward again with a matching *ehem ehem*) I do have something to tell you though. Let me tell you about a little secret that not a lot of people know. Did you know that Neverland wasn’t really at the second star to the left?  Think about it. Neverland wasn't really a place to begin with. It's a phase in every person's life. It's that little stage before we think of snogging or making our own peter pan or set of lost boys. You don't have to worry about anything, just how to get home to eat, and return back to you Neverland after. My Neverland wasn't just about mermaids, fairies, and pirates, it was also about anime, endless laughter, and a lot of unimaginable things -- there were no credit card bills, no phone bills, no glares from people, no society who will judge your every action, no crime, no heartaches -- just pure bliss.  

 It was paradise and I really couldn't ask for more. The only downside of being in Neverland is the time is limited. While I frolicked in the lush green meadows under a golden sun, swam with fishes unknown to man, treasure hunted in deep caves covered in weird foliage, canoeing in a river with creatures I could read in mythical books, slept under a blanket of starry night sky, and woke up with a kiss of summer wind as the sun rises; Time passed by in the real world. It’s true when they say that time stops for no one. I can’t stay a boy forever. I had to realize that my Neverland was made up, everything was. And sooner or later, I had to open my eyes and grow up. The boy had to be a man. My little sanctuary will collapse sooner or later because it was not even real in the first place. It was an escape of a kid trying to avoid responsibilities and pretending that nothing mattered except playing and having fun. Playing is never a crime. However, we have to face reality and the unjust world because in that unfair and ruthless world, will we find love. A love that we can never experience in Neverland.

  

At some point, we all have to leave our Never, Neverland. Only when we leave our Neverland, will we be able fly. Think.