Praeludium

There were sounds that echoed from beyond
I looked back and saw no one was around
I searched for it in the crowd of swipe rights
Then there I found a pitch that was just light

The volume was suddenly steadily growing
But there were moments that it was just fading
Then there was a sustained playful crescendo
Which was abruptly joined by an inquisitive fortissimo

Every note was a burst of calmness and doubt
Tensing, striking, and letting the joy flow out
The jumps and leaps of the tone resonate
The harmony intertwined did not dissipate

I tried to find the song again
Feelings dormant I have yet to regain
Then I realized that it's coming from within
From a frigid heart that's always been beating

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Ode to Black-framed Glasses

My heart aches

My world breaks

My mind is blank

My esteem sank

You broke my heart

You stopped a start

You looked at me

You set me free

We were perfect

We were rejects

We had forever

We had never

I was there

You were there

I'm still waiting

Can you hear me calling?

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Angel in the City

It rained stars from the sky

Hope attempting its hardest to fly

The night smelled like brewed coffee

The streets lost in the evening vicinity

Sounds from the past echo in the air

Repeatedly, but no one seemed to care

Conversations from above descent

Time stood still, moments that were lent

Eyes that bore the soul shook the foundation

Nakedness in each person's candid volition

Disdain melted in the sea of acceptance

Dissolving fragments eventual deliverance

Each step taken slower than the breeze 

Taking its chance to save a remiss

Words sang in oblivion like moonlight

With the wish to keep the world in hindsight

Thus, the moment of farewell is nearing

The completion of each sentence dangling

Sealing the world of doubt in embrace

An angel came and calmed this turbulence

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Your Absence

Missing you is like gasping for air

Inhaling, exhaling, and having a blank stare

Blood in your veins stop running

Feeling like the world is suddenly ending

Every breath is a sharp knife to the chest

Thrusting, stabbing without any rest

Tears begin to run down your face

Each drop speeds down like a race

You were offered the sun and the moon

Yet it was taken from you all too soon

You refuse to hate the bringer of stars

You reject the idea of everything being farce

Bliss hung in the air like heavy mist

Everything was supposed to be sealed by a kiss

You were left hanging just like that

Enduring the disastrous aftermath

You miss so much it hurts 

You miss so much it blurts 

You hate that you can't be together

You hate that there won't be an ever after

Searching For Answers

In life, we are faced with questions -- questions like whether we should really brush our teeth or not, what color of underwear we should wear, or even whether we want to go to work or not. Those are simple everyday things we ask ourselves. And then there are other questions ---  questions that come out of thin air and just rattle our very core. Now, these questions are bigger than us, bigger than life itself because it is about life itself.

Why are things the way they are?

Why don't things always happen as planned?

Why is my heart broken?

Why do I exist?

Once or twice or maybe everyday even, we are constantly haunted by these questions. Let's face it, we do not have the slightes idea where we will get the answers. We can try to fool ourselves by creating superficial answers to these queries. But we will never figure it out no matter how we much justification we do.

I recently attended one of the services of Victory Christian Fellowship. Having attended one years back, I sorta had an idea what to expect. Surprisingly, it really had an impact on me. The topic of the service is along the questions, "What can make us truly happy?". I have been in doubt for years and I can barely remember the last time I was able to consult with someone and was really given an advice that was real. Real, in a sense that I realized that he may right.

Each of us has a road we have to travel on our own. We will struggle and we may lose sight of the road ahead of us, but we will always go back to the road designed for us. The situations and things we had, we are, and we will be going through are specifically for us.

It was destiny for me to go there and experience God again. I actually ripped my pants during the day and had planned to go home right after work, but something urged me to go and see for myself.

I am on a quest to find answers and a journey with Him to find these answers. It will be a long journey, but I'm excited. As I go through this journey, I will be encountering hurdles I've never encountered but I'm sure it'll be worth it.

We have been looking for answers all our lives and sometimes we find the answers we want but sometimes we don't. We even sometimes forget to consider during our search that maybe, just maybe, we haven't been asking the right questions.

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The Longest Dream

Disclaimer: So cheesy you could smell it.

I believe in Fate. I believe everything happens for a reason. We may not understand it now or we may not understand at all in this lifetime but... I am not really sure if there is really an explanation, but we can believe there is.

I met the person I have been dreaming of several days ago. Everything was perfect. The night cooperated with us. We enjoyed every bit of it, at least I did. To find the person you have been waiting for is bliss, and that's what I felt that night. We talked, we laughed, our guards were down, and I couldn't care less. I wouldn't mind sharing my forevers with this person. I was lost in someone. I was in a situation where time was eternal and I could see myself reflected in those eyes. Those almond shaped eyes that twinkle everytime a smile appears.

That night, I was more than me. I was someone who I never imagined I could be. I was touched and changed. I cry not just because of pain and grief, but because I am human. I am human to have craved for this person.

I dreamt for 6 hours.

And just like any other dream, it ended. I woke up at 1:01  AM but my eyes were open the entire time. I saw everything happen with both the windows of my soul ingesting the scenery and taking everything in. We can never be together.

All I know is, one night changed my life. I may not understand it now because I'm blinded by doubt and drowned in question, but for sure, one day I will look back and realize why things didn't work out as planned. It's excruciating and heartbreaking how I would build burried in rubble for not getting what I wanted the most, but I will pray to Him that someday in the future I will understand this heartache that one night for 6 hours, I was able to see a dream.

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Confessions of a Hopeful

Someone once told me, in order to write well, you have to write what you know. Here's what I know:

The feeling of hope is the same feeling as standing at the edge of a cliff.

The view beneath is exhilarating. However, one wrong move could plummet you to your demise - never seeing that view again. Hoping is like riding a roller coaster. You fasten and prepare yourself for the sharp turns and the scary plunges, but when you are seconds away from turning or falling, your mind betrays the entirety of your preparation and leaves you there, dumbstruck and wanting to slow down. But never wanting to stop.

A break up is never easy.

You have to go through numerous phases and cycles to finally tell yourself that you are ready to see other people again - to give love a chance to bud once more. But it's never easy, perhaps, never will be.

You tell yourself that that's it. You say you've had enough. But deep inside, somewhere inside of you, you know that there's a voice telling you that one of these days you will find someone amazing that won't get enough of, you will hang on to every word they say and every good night will leave a promise of tomorrow lingering in the air. The feeling like you're always on the same page and you can finish each other's sentences. Then you get the impression or assumption, that this person may be the person you have waited all of your life. And that's when you realize that this person is too good to be true that everything seems right that it feels wrong. 

Thoughts of that person being too good for you plague your every thought that even though that person has shown the same level of interest, you cower inside your shell and wish for everything to just end.The butterflies fluttering in your stomach are nothing compared to the immense feeling that you may faint from the whirling emotions inside of you, destroying everything in its path. It may even tore you asunder. 

Yet.

You crave for the feeling of wanting someone to see that so bad and just staring at that person and living in the moment that both of you are breathing the same air. 

I am writing this blog with this kind of apprehension. Tomorrow I will meet this person and from there a new chapter of my life will being. It may or may not work out, but that fact remains to be experienced by me, by us. No matter what the outcome of this risk may be, I will be happy that I am still capable of experiencing this type of emotion. 

I am scared as hell but I want to believe that if it's for me, the universe will conspire for it to happen.